Pretty much every time Every Time I Die frontman, Keith Buckley, opens his mouth or puts pen to paper something funny comes out. Here are some samples from a recent band update he wrote that illustrate how, if he decided to give up the rock, he could be the next Joe Rogan or at least get a publicity gig at a sleazy record label:

"Unless you're a sorority girl, you're probably not accustomed to dudes telling you that something called 'The Big Dirty' is about to invade your personal space," he begins. "Well, we here at Every Time I Die are doing just that, so open your holes wide."

He continues: "This August, Ferret Music will release what can only be described as 'Every Time I Die's newest album. Chock-a-block with riffs that only four months of a Buffalo, New York winter could spawn, this new record will undoubtedly satisfy those that have followed the band since their first full length release Last Night In Town all the way through Gutter Phenomenon. And if you were one of the 38 confused men who strayed somewhere along that interim, we welcome you back with open arms."

The hyperbole and sarcasm don't end there: "You want ironically distasteful rock and roll pretenses? You got 'em. You want riffs so filthy they should have a mustache and wear elastic workout pants when they go out to eat at the Olive Garden? Right here, boys. You want mosh parts so brutal [they] could star opposite Charles Bronson in any of the Death Wish movies? Come get some."

The Big Dirty is being recorded in California with producer Steve Evetts, who has previously worked with Dillinger Escape Plan, Sick of It All and A Static Lullaby, and, according to Buckley, it features "ten plus tracks that tore from our filthy hands like the creature that jumped out of that dudes stomach in Alien."

Sounds convincing to us. Now, who wants a video?: ETID's "Kill the Music":

photo courtesy of www.bathory.se/

With a new album by the biggest black metal band, Dimmu Borgir, hitting this week, it's a good time to revisit one of the founders of Scandinavian black metal. Before there was Mayhem, before there was Emperor, Burzum Immortal or Darkthrone, Sweden's Bathory planted the sinister seeds for all that was to follow.

A one-man-show staged by the mysterious Quorthon, Bathory recorded raw, primitive songs that blazed like a burning church and told tales of hideous demons, devil worshippers, Norse gods and Viking warriors. And while Bathory's first two albums, 1984's Bathory and 1985's The Return were recorded with sub-par equipment and featured sub-par songwriting and musicianship, their impact is still felt today.

Bathory's third album, 1986's Under the Sign: The Sign of the Black Mark, was more evolved musically and with the arrival of its follow-up, 1988's Blood Fire Death, Quorthon had abandoned Satanic lyrics and addressed Viking themes that would prove just as inspiring for future generations of Norwegian metal warriors.

Quorthon recorded and released another eight studio albums before his death in2004 of heart failure. In 2006, three volumes titled In Memory of Quorthon were issued as a box set by his label, Black Mark.

During its career, Bathory released just one video, "One Rode to Asa Bay":
bathory -one rode to asa bay

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photo courtesy of Korn Underground

Slipknot drummer Joey Jordison had been in the rehearsal studio with Korn and has announced that he will play drums for Korn starting May 28 in Landgraaf, Holland running through the entire Family Values tour, which launches July 20 in Maryland Heights, Missouri and ends September 2 in Irvine, California, Blabbermouth.net reports.

"He's an amazing drummer," vocalist Jonathan Davis told the Artisan News Service. "It's going to be fun."

"I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to perform with bands that have influenced me as a musician over the years," Jordison said in a staement. When I first heard Korn they blew me away and I've been a fan ever since. I'm looking forward to playing drums with these guys for the next five months."

Jordison replaces drum legend Terry Bozzio, who recorded with Korn in the studio for their upcoming album and was originally scheduled to tour as well. "Things just didn't work out," Davis says. "He's on the album and we had a great time working with the guy. He needed to go do his thing and it's all good."

Korn isn't the first band Jordison will have moonlit for. Last year, he toured as Ministry's drummer and in 2004 he played with Satyricon when their drummer Frost couldn't get into the country because of his criminal record.

The new Korn record is tentatively scheduled for July 24. It is unclear whether Korn's original drummer David Silveria will have returned from his lengthy hiatus by the time Korn finish touring for the album, however the band insists Silveria is still a member.

Now, here this -- Korn's "Blind":

Eighties San Francisco thrash legends, Testament, are currently in South America rocking with the force of a Brazilian terror squad, but in early May they'll return to the States to continue working on their first studio album with their original lineup since 1992's The Ritual.

The band started "writing rehearsals" on the weekend of April 14, according to a post on their Web site. So far, they've written more than six new songs for the disc, which will feature their first original material since 1999's "The Gathering." The band is scheduled to start tracking in June.

In early July Testament will fly to Russia to resume their world tour. Following three dates there they'll head to Udine, Italy on July 6, where they'll begin their European leg. Dates are scheduled through September 1 in Palamaggio-Caserta, Italy.

Talk about a "Trial By Fire":

A British Web site to promote the 2007 Download Festival has posted professionally shot sets by numerous bands who have played the event in the past.

This 30-minute performance by Hatebreed was filmed last year and features the songs "Beholder of Justice," "Empty Promises," "Betrayed by Life," "Tear It Down," "To the Threshold," "Hollow Ground," "Proven," "Doomsayer," "This is Now," "Live for This," "I Will Be Heard" and "Driven by Suffering."

Download 2007 will take place June 8 to 10 in Donnington Park, England. Iron Maiden, Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance fill headline the festival. Other bands include Slayer, Marilyn Manson, Mastodon, Lamb of God, Hellyeah, Chimaira, Machine Head, Evanescence, Killswitch Engage, Korn, Motley Crue, Dimmu Borgir, Shadows Fall, Megadeth and Dragonforce.

Stay tuned in the coming days for more streaming footage from last year's concert.

Madness and murder prevail in "THR3E" (2oth Century Fox), a psychological thriller that's part action film, part nightmare drama.

Combining elements of "Fight Club," "Saw" and "Die Hard With a Vengeance," the movie stars Marc Blucas as Kevin Parsons, a seminary student who is forced to delve into his traumatic past after a series of terrifying incidents bring back the ghosts of his childhood. Each step of the way, he must field the riddles and challenges of a murderer (mostly involving finding hidden bombs) or die trying.

With the help of police officer Jennifer Peters (Justine Waddell), whose brother was murdered by The Riddle Killer, who also seems to be Parsons' stalker, Parsons scrambles through dizzying corridors of darkness and light in search of redemption.

From a medical standpoint, "THR3E" is pretty far-fetched, but the plot holds together well and the characters approach their realities with enough believability to keep the film from becoming absurd. And, Rob Zombie fans will love seeing Bill Moseley, who played Otis B. Driftwood in "The Devil's Rejects," return as a nutbag thirsting for bloody revenge.

Other noteworthy new DVDs:

Diary of a Cannibal (Lionsgate)/Cannibal (Anthem) Rammstein sang about him in "Mein Teil," Macabre in "The Wüstenfeld Man Eater" and Bloodbath in "Eaten," and now the tale of Armin Meiwes, the German cannibal who shocked the world in 2001, has been immortalized in two horror films. For those unfamiliar with the case, Meiwes was a gay computer programmer who placed an ad on the Internet for a man willing to be killed and eaten. Amazingly, he found a partner in Bernd Jürgen Armando Brandes, and from there, the plot blood red. In "Diary of a Cannibal," director Ulli Lommel contorts the storyline so the main characters are involved in a heterosexual relationship. And, instead of seeking a partner to eat, the male lead searches for a girl to consume him so the two can become one. Clearly, "Diary of a Cannibal" is meant to be a love story, albeit a grisly one, but it comes across as somewhat amateurish. That's not the case for the similar, but far more unsettling "Cannibal," which sticks closely to the original tale of Meiwes and may leave you feeling nauseous and considering a switch to vegetarianism. Directed a couple years ago by Lommel's former Executive Producer, Marian Doran, the movie is unflinching in its graphic detail and features scenes of male nudity, gay sex, dismemberment, disfigurement, disembowelment and, of course, cannibalism. As disturbing and disgusting as it is, however, it's well shot, edited and acted and the horrific violence looks frightfully real.

Satan's Cannibal Holocaust (SRS) Cannibals are everywhere these days and might even be lurking around in high government positions. That's the premise of this nasty low budget slash-a-thon written by Ron Bonk and directed by Jim Wayer. When a female journalist interviews a local wino to write a fluff story about her father, the mayor, she learns about a satanic cult that cleans up the city by sacrificing and eating the homeless. The acting's not entirely convincing and the gore effects are far from the work of Tom Savini, but if you're interested in visiting a campy slaughterhouse, "Satan's Cannibal Holocaust" is worth the trip.

The Last Supper (MTI) Another tale of flesh-eating ferocity: Here, director Osamu Fukutami weaves a wicked story about a plastic surgeon who takes some liposuction fat home one day and, out of curiosity, decides to fry it up. He quickly develops a taste for cannibalism and spends the rest of the film hungering for fresh meat. Gruesome, but well done. Lunch time.

Ever wonder where your favorite metal bands got their names or what their names might mean to others, whether or not they're aware of it?

To headbangers, Lamb of God has become the very definition of unrelenting, unforgiving metallic brutality, but the root of the name seems to be all about gentleness and forgiveness -- so, we guess we forgive the band for coming up with such a seemingly ill-fitting moniker.

The above photo is of a stone lamb atop a slab of granite that marks the grave site of a young child referred to as a "Lamb of God."

The other references we've found are way more Biblical. According to www.allaboutjesuschrist.org, "The Messiah is called the "Lamb of God" throughout the Bible's New Testament. In John 1:29, for example, after seeng Jesus for the first time, John the Baptist says, "Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!"

The religious stuff don't stop there. The Lamb of God is a popular reference to a litany beginning with words used in the Roman Catholic Mass: "Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis" (English translation: "Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.")

Reportedly, the prayer was introduced into the Mass by Pope Sergius I between 687 and 701 AD and is spoken or sun during the "Rite of Fraction and Commingling." We'd give our left pinky to see Lamb of God singer Randy Blythe sing it in church, but we're guessing we'll never have to sacrifice our little digit for that.

Enough God talk, here's something we're more comfortable with -- Lamb of God's "Redneck":

A full week after the shootings at Virginia tech that snuffed out the lives of 32 young adults that had everything to live for but didn't have fate on their side, the country is just starting to get back to normal. Classes at the University resumed today, the TV news is no longer bombarding us with images of the assassin and other worthwhile stories are again starting to grab top headlines.

But that doesn't mean that the stories Virginia tech will end any time soon, and while no organizations have yet been blamed or scapegoated for the senseless deaths, it seems clear that the entertainment industry isn't totally out of the woods. The magnitude of the tragedy and the obvious instability of the gunman have so far prevented conservative and family groups from taking aim at the music and film businesses for some sort of perceived role they may have had in influencing the psychotic action of Cho Sueng-Hui. That could soon change.

The current issue of Time reports that Cho liked music and once wrote a verse from the Collective Soul song, "Shine," on the walls of his dorm room: "Teach me how to speak/ Teach me how to share/ Teach me where to go/ Tell me will love be there." It's hardly the stuff of mass murder, but in the same article Time writes that Cho had no hobbies except "hours spent downloading music." So far, police have not indicated what songs are stashed away on his computer hard drive and maybe they never will. But in today's media-as-arbiter-of-justice climate, it seems more likely that, in the days ahead, the music Cho listened to will be revealed, and if any of it was metal, we could be in for a witch hunt against the music industry that will make the PMRC hearings look like toddler playdates.

For some reason, hardly anything has been made of the fact that one of Cho's disturbing plays was titled "Mr. Brownstone" and that it quotes much of the Guns N' Roses song of the same name. Similarly little has been mentioned about Cho's poses with a hammer being eerily similar to shots from the Park Chan-Wook film "Oldboy."

Enough has already been lost in this catastrophe: lives, love, safety, media respectability. Hopefully free expression and creativity won't become the next innocent victims.

Dark Tranquillity Fiction (Century Media) Even though the Gothenburg sound they pioneered is now all pervasive, melodic death metal forefathers, Dark Tranquillity, are more than capable of writing fresh, compelling music that feeds off the band's past strengths while forging new paths to explore and demolish. Fiction isn't quite as musically complex as 2005's Character, but by streamlining their sound a bit the band have been able to pinpoint the heart of each song and work within it to create compositions that are smart, memorable and heavy enough to break an iPod.

Dimmu Borgir In Sorti Diaboli (Nuclear Blast) Symphonic, dynamic and unquestionably sinister, Dimmu Borgir's first concept album (seventh disc total) is a wake up call to the hordes of black metal bands whose music offers speed and brutality, but little in the way of memorability. With In Sorti Diaboli, Dimmu Borgir prove that black metal band be simultaneously bludgeoning, intelligent, dramatic and as unforgettable as anything by My Chemical Romance.

Bloody Panda Pheromone (Level-Plane) A different kind of doom metal comes from this Japanese female-fronted New York outfit. Busier than most bands of its ilk, Bloody Panda play dense, despairing songs that tumble, clatter and drone through the ether.

The Berzerker Animosity (Earache) With their fourth album, Australia's preeminent industrial death-grind band blast through a new setlist of explosively hateful noise that's offer more kick than a double Latte laced with Liquid Plumber. The gruesome art work of what looks like a defleshed goat was designed by French fan Adrien Bousson, who won the band's album design contest. Take with strong sedatives to minimize side effects.

photo by Hannibal Smith, courtesy of flickr.com

What do we see here? It looks like a pair of Norwegian romantics out for a stroll through the local Wal-Mart. No doubt they're looking for a little hemlock, eye of toad and hair of dog. Or maybe they've run out of that black and white face paint, which keeps them looking youthful and zesty.

Are they planning to pay for those items or will they snap their fingers and disappear in a flash of vapor before a row of startled cashiers? Then again, they're the only ones in the picture so maybe there's no one else in the store. Maybe they sacrificed everyone else, or perhaps they broke in at 4 a.m. after desecrating their local church and, now they're jonesing for snack foods?

Only the devil knows, and he's too busy nurturing a world of hate, disease and world conflict to worry about what these two Darkthrone fans are doing.

While we ponder their wicked fate, here's Cradle of Filth with "Temptation":