Splattery letters are some of our favorites. Usually they're red to simulate bloodsplay, but in this case they're green -- unless you're colorblind. It kind of gives the logo a "Dawn of the Dead" feel -- yet it also reminds us of that antifreeze-colored Gatorade.

In any case, this band is from the U.S. and they're not entirely metal, throwing other genres into the blender and grinding them into a chunky, indefinable mess.

Well, here are your choices:

a) Onec More Instigate b) Manowar c) Damn Our Magistrate d) Dance Club Massacre

In 2004, the silly fantasy metal band Dream Evil (fronted by renowned producer Fredrik Nordstrom) released the ridiculous song "The Book of Heavy Metal (March of the Metallians)," which abounded with shrieking vocals, riffs stolen straight from Judas Priest, hysterical demon voices and a wondrously fist-in-the-sky chorus. We'll get to the lyrics later, but first we present an amazing video for the song -- one that was not created by the band, yet towers over most epic metal videos.

Perhaps influenced by the White Stripes award winning "Fell in Love With a Girl," which came out in 2002 and was directed by Michel Gondry, the low-budget videographer set up his legos and, using primitive stop motion techniques, created this slammin' clip:
in the book of heavy metal by dream evil

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If you think that's funny, check out these absurd lyrics.

Dream Evil
The Book of Heavy Metal (March of the Metallians)
I'd sign - a contract with the devil
I've tried - for so very long
I'd die - to become immortal
that's why I sing this song
Am I a wannabe? - have I no dignity.
Who'd give up all my life.. to be
In the book of heavy metal.. metal!
In the book of heavy metal

In life - I have no religion
besides the heavy metal gods
wear nothing but black skin tight leather
My skin's clad with Metal studs
Am I a wannabe? - have I no dignity.
I give up all my life to be..
In the book of heavy metal.. metal!
In the book of heavy metal

Some twenty years ago, the goods put down there feet,
So firmly in to the ground that no man of sword nor pen,
could ever chains the rules upon which
The very fundament of metal was made.

Read all about it, in the book of heavy metal
Read all about it, in the manual
Read all about it, in the book of heavy metal
Read all about it
Don't need no flashy house, no kids/car or ugly wife
the only thing I want, is what my parents don't
need no widescreen TV, No in all honesty
the only thing I want to be (to be or not to be)

In the book of heavy metal - In life - metal!
In the book of heavy metal - to death - metal!

I've signed - a contract with the devil
I'd like to become a star
I'd die - to become immortal
That's why I play the guitar

British progressive black metal band Akercocke have the kind of name that makes you giggle. The first time we heard it we thought is sounded like the symptoms of a nasty venereal disease and reminded us of when we were in fourth grade and we were reading a "Dick and Jane" book aloud in class. For some reason, saying the sentence "a fly buzzed Dick's nose" seemed outrageously funny and, after being unable to control our laughter, we were sent to the Principal's office, where we were beaten mercilessly while he cackled hysterically.

Anyhow, the name Akercocke, according to bassist Peter Benjamin was the name of a Capuchin monkey in Robert Nye's 1981 novel "Faust." "He stinks and is thoroughly horrid just like us," said Benjamin. "So we took his name."

For you history buffs out there, Akercocke were formed in 1997 by frontman Jason Mendonca and drummer David Gray, who had previously played together in Salem Orchid. "I have only fond memories of Akercocke's birth, a time of re-discovery and great enthusiasm," writes Gray in the band's bio. "If memory serves me correct, we actually came up with the name Akercocke before we played a note or had the other members of the band."

Akercocke's initial lineup was completed with guitarist Paul Scanlan and bassist Peter Theobalds, and the band released its debut, Rape of the Bastard Nazarene, in 1999.The following year, they were signed by indie Peaceville Records, which put out their second disc, Goat of Mendes, in 2001. Since their earliest days, the band has performed in tailored suits to pay respect to the music they play -- and to the devil.

"To be a Satanist requires discipline," Mendonca told Chroniclesofchaos.com. "To be a musician at this level requires discipline. We practice four times a week, at least, every week. The suits are just like a visual representation of our discipline. We're not scruffy kinds of guys; we're not jeans and t-shirts kind of guys in day-to-day life. We're smart guys, we're gentlemen."

After the release of 2003's Choronzon, Scanlan quit the band and was replaced by Matt Wilcock (ex-The Berzerker). The hardest Akercocke (snicker, snicker) album, Words That Go Unspoken, Deeds That Go Undone, was released in the U.S. in February 2006. Almost a year later, Theobalds split the group because of personal differences and was replaced by Benjamin (ex-Corpsing).

Akercocke's fifth disc, Antichrist, comes out July 17.

Now that you've suffered through all that, we shall abuse you with the Akercocke video for "Horns of Baphomet":
Akercocke - Horns Of Baphomet

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There's not much gore in this 1976 Spanish film, yet even 30 years after its initial release "Who Can Kill A Child" (Dark Sky) is more unsettling than most any of today's Hollywood bloodbaths. Some have suggested that the flick was an inspiration for Stephen King's short story "Children of the Corn," which was first published in Penthouse magazine in 1977, and it stands to reason.

Like King's short story, "Who Can Kill a Child?" explores themes of murder, morality and fear, revolving around a subculture of children who exterminate adults. The first seven minutes of the movie is documentary about how, through history, nations and governments have had few reservations about murdering children. Video footage from Nazi Germany, Korea, Vietnam and Cambodia supports the claim.

But the crux of the film addresses the idea that contemporary society holds a child's life utterly sacred -- so sacred, in fact, that most people would rather risk their own demise than harm a youngster. And so, when the children of a tiny Spanish village decide that it's a good idea to kill all of the adults on the island, no one tries to stop them.

It isn't until Americans, Tom (Lewis Flander) and his pregnant wife Evelyn (Prunealla Ransome), vacation to the remote island that anyone becomes aware of the situation. But even after watching kids beat an old man to death, savage a hanging victim like a pinata and stand back helplessly as a daughter leads her father hand-in-hand to the slaughter, the couple are extremely reluctant to fight back.

Uncompromisingly bleak in execution and consistently packed with tension, "Who Can Kill a Child?" is a cinematic gem that's been buried far too long.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (Anchor Bay) -- The "This is Spinal Tap" of slasher films, "Behind the Mask" is a clever spoof of conventional horror that lovingly mocks without being condescending. The movie stars Nathan Baesel as a cold-blooded killer who wants to be as legendary as Jason Vorhees, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers, so he invites a TV journalist to film a documentary about his lifestyle and exploits, and leads her and her crew on a journey that pokes fun of every cliche, convention and plot hole of the traditional terror tale. For the first three-quarters of the ride, the script is flawless -- comical, surprising and not nearly as self-referential as the "Scream" series. For some reason, however, the end of the movie turns into the very thing the rest of the film mocks -- a trite murderfest with a fairly predictable ending. Even so, "Behind the Mask" pays off in full well before it gets hokey.

Waking Up Dead (MVD) -- Okay, you probably care about ex-Saigon Kick and Skid Row drummer turned comedian Phil Varone about as much as Christina Aguilera, but the dude has a pretty gripping story. Sure, it's an oft told tale of excess and abandon, but it's much more intimate and informed than most rockumentaries. For "Waking Up Dead" Varone invited Emmy Award winning journalist and filmmaker Fabio Jafet to follow him with a camera for four years and document his bad habits, seedy exploits and self-destructive antics. What Jafet reveals is grim and unsettling, debunking the idea of sex, drugs and rock and roll as ingredients to the ultimate lifestyle. Of course, Varone blames the music business for his addictions, but, hey, everyone needs a scapegoat. At least the guy invites us without reservation into his decrepit life to witness how he went broke, became a druggie and ruined his marriage. As if that wasn't enough, Varone is forced to sell his drumkit to pay his rent and his cocaine habit causes him heart palpitations that eventually force him to leave the music business. You still wanna be a rock star?

Black Candles/Evil Eye (Deimos) The first installment of a new series called Welcome to the Grindhouse Double Feature, "Black Candles/Evil Eye" features two Hispanic horror films oozing with occultism, nudity, insanity and murder. The sleazier of the two, Jose Ramon Larraz' 1981 exploitation flick "Black Candles," is a raunchy "Rosemary's Baby"-style tale about a woman who travels to England after her brother's death. There, she discovers her sister-in-law is part of a satanic cult that wants to groom the innocent gal to be the Devil's bride. There's lots of shock value here, including a nasty scene involving a goat, however the plot is pretty thin. Fortunately, the location shots are attractive and, if you're into bizarre pagan rituals, you'll thrill to the decadence within.

The second movie, "Evil Eye," has the stronger and less depraved plot. Directed by Mario Siciliano, this 1974 production is about a ladies man who suffers visions of killing people, and is institutionalized for not being able to tell the difference between dream and reality. But at the hospital the visions continue, and soon -- surprise, surprise -- people at the sanitarium start dropping dead. Eerie and surreal, "Evil Eye" features stark cinematography and trippy lounge music that enhance the movie's creepy vibe.

More Slash For Your Cash
They Came From the Grave (Tempe) $12.99
Whether this is a real bargain or a waste of two week's allowance depends largely on what you think of underground, low budget filmmaker Chris Seaver. The package features three of his movies, "Carnage For the Destroyer," "Filthy McNasty" and "Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker!" along with two movies by other directors. While Seaver loves gore, nothing he does is at all nightmarish. His movies, shot on video with a recurring cast of friends, are best described as a cross between GWAR and Troma-on-a-zero-budget. "Mulva" even takes place in the fictional Tromaville and features guest appearances by Troma president Lloyd Kaufman and several Troma characters.

"Carnage," the most metal of the three movies, features a Dungeons & Dragons-obsessive who accidentally conjures a mystical barbarian that comes to murder a bunch of freaky sex-starved teens. Of course, the plot is really just an excuse for a fountain of crude jokes, cruder gore effects, boobies and some simulated sex scenes you'd probably rather not see. The saving grace is the main character, who wears a different band shirt in almost every scene and ends up fighting the beast -- Manowar style -- with the power of pure metal.

So, are Seaver's films good? Hmmm, define good. The cinematography is crap, the acting is crappier and the plots are nonexistent. But Seaver saves himself time and again with pop culture references to Benny Hill, George Romero, John Waters, Ronnie James Dio, Michael Jackson, Spinal Tap, Bill Cosby and more. And even when he performs in blackface in "Mulva," his dialogue is too filled with shtick to actually offend. Fans of schlock will find plenty to laugh about, but fans of serious horror should probably steer clear.

The rest of "They Came From the Grave" features two actual horror movies. In the David P. Barton-directed "Dead & Rotting" an ancient witch transforms herself into a foxy babe and seduces three pranksters. After giving birth to their children, she sends the demon seed off to avenge their spurned mother and leave a wake of messy death. And in "My Dead Girlfriend," director Brett Kelly, unravels a yarn about a man named Steve who accidentally runs over his girlfriend, then uses an ancient book of magic to bring her back to life -- as a flesh-eating zombie.

We've heard of British tabloids making stuff up, but we thought "The Times" was above such barrel-scraping. Well, apparently not, claims Metallica's representatives, who told Usmagazine.com that frontman James Hetfield was neither detained nor interrogated by airport security in London before the band's performance at Live Earth.

The scuttlebutt stemmed from a July 6 report, in which The Times.com wrote that Hetfield "was apparently questioned by security officials at Luton airport when arriving for the Live Earth gig."

"The Times" also reported that "friends" of the band said that the officials singled out Hetfield because of his "Taliban-like beard,” then added sarcastically, "We’re thinking of a particular scene in "This Is Spinal Tap.'"

After the story posted, countless reputable news agencies and Web sites picked it up, which says something about the lack of reliable fact checking in today's digital age. When Usmagazine.com took it upon themselves to check with a rep for Hetfield, they were told, "It's false. It's not true."

So there you have it. Hetfield can never be accused of being suspected of terrorism -- unless you include all those years he harassed ex-bassist Jason Newsted, who -- as fate would have -- played on this video for "Fuel" along with a live orchestra:

For anyone who missed them at Saturday's Live Earth concert in London's Wembley Stadium, here's another chance to see the two-song marathon by Spinal Tap. Check out frontman David St. Hubbins saying, "Hello Wimbledon" instead of "Hello Wembley." The band played an abbreviated "Stonehenge" (complete with descending miniature monument) then performed "Big Bottom" with numerous guest bassists, including Metallica's James Hetfield.

Before the show, CNN reporter Monita Rajpal conducted a somewhat amusing backstage interview with the bandmembers (St. Hubbins, guitarist Nigel Tufnel and bassist Derek Smalls) and "This is Spinal Tap" director Rob Reiner.

Kosmos, the new band from Voivod drummer Michel "Away" Langevin isn't exactly metal. The band's meandering soundcapes and interstellar jams are more influenced by Krautrock groups like Can, Faust and Neu! "With a name like Kosmos, I hope people are expecting something pretty experimental," Langevin told MTVnews.com's Metal File. "[Late Voivod guitarist Denis] 'Piggy' [D'Amour] and I had been listening to this kind of music since the mid-'70s. I've always enjoyed these bands that create strange progressive music mixed with avant-garde stuff, so I figured, 'Well, why not put together a band like that?' "

Kosmos came together in early 2006 when Langevin hooked up with Paradise guitarist Jetphil, Groovy Aardvark and Grim Skunk bassist Vincent Peake and keyboardist/programmer Alex Crow. Then, special guests were brought in; Xavier Caféïne from Caféïne sang on a cover of Gong's "Much Too Old" and Lucien Francoeur of '70s avant garde band Aut'Chose contributed spoken word on "Amerique Innavouable."

"Piggy and I actually helped re-form Aut'Chose with the original guitar player and singer for a one-show, one-album kind of thing," Langevin told Metal File. "And we played a few shows with them in 2005. It was actually the last show Piggy played before he took ill."

The band's self-titled disc (out September 4) was recorded piecemeal at the members homes over a nine month period. In addition to revealing their love for playing, Kosmos also reveals the musicians' obscure record collections. "It's so experimental, we didn't think anyone would be interested," Langevin says. "And then The End Records got back to us and ended up singing us for three albums. So now we are writing new material. It's specifically a very fun project that turned more serious than we expected."

For the complete Kosmos interview and the rest of this week's metal news, check out MTVnews.com's Metal File.

And for Voivod's "The Getaway" video, check this out:

Voivod "The Getaway" The End Records

Posted Jan 19, 2007

Voivod "The Getaway" The End Records

Washington D.C. hardcore metal band Darkest Hour aren't known for stoner rock dalliances or bluesy rock stomp, yet when invited to pick a "Bang of the Week," Darkest Hour guitarist Mike Schleibaum unreservedly picked groove warriors Clutch.

"Clutch rules!" Schleibaum explained. "They have been one of my favorite bands for a long time. And no one does funk, rock, metal, stoner, whatever-you-want-to-call-it better then Clutch.

"No band sounds like Clutch," he continued. "They are their own beasts. And I, my friend, would not get in their way. I mean, this song is the soundtrack to a bar fight in your head. VAMANOS, VAMANOS, VAMANOS!"

One of the highlights of the Live Earth extravaganza on Saturday, July 7 was Metallica's performance at Wembley Stadium in London, England. The band performed four songs, three of which are featured below: "Enter Sandman," "Nothing Else Matters" and "Sad But True." Metallica also joined Spinal Tap onstage, which we'll showcase on Tuesday morning.

On the official Metallica Web site, drummer Lars Ulrich spoke about the importance of the event, which aimed to raise worldwide awareness of the global warming crisis through full-day concerts on seven different continents. "I love my sons. I want them to 'inherit the Earth' for real!," Ulrich said. "We keep waiting for future generations to solve the problems; to invent cleaner technology; to pay the costs...that's the same as passing the buck. I want the buck to stop here, now. I want lawmakers and laws to impose change. Nothing else will keep this world safe for my sons."

The correct answer to yesterday's Indecipherable Logo of the Day is: a) Fall Ov Serafim.

This Swedish symphonic black metal band formed out of the ashes of Misteltein, who released to full length albums before undergoing a major lineup change. The remaining members changed their name to Fall Ov Serafim and struck a deal with Regain Records. The band's debut, Nex Iehovae, was recorded at Mystical Arts Studio in the summer of 2005 and came out last year.

The band's stated mission is to "create the best metal music possible and doing that without restricting the creative process to any specific genre." That said, the band's bio describes Nex Iehovae as "symphonic black metal with influences both from death metal and thrash."

Lyrically, Fall ov Serafim address the usual -- you know -- life, death and religion. But, claims the band, "There is also a strong biblical/prophetic atmosphere in some of the lyrics."

Currently, Fall Ov Serafim consists of vocalist and bassist Skorrgh (ex-Misteltein, Obscure Divinity, Vandod), guitarist Aldrathan (ex-Misteltein, Ishtar), guitarist K. (a.k.a. John Hudt (ex-Misteltein, Feared Creation, Dynamic, drummer Nirag (ex-Misteltein) and keyboardist Farnargh (ex-Misteltein, Embraced).