I'm in a state of complacency with music as of right now. I started playing because of my love for music. I wanted to make people feel the same way I felt when I listened to Jimmy Eat World's Clarity. I wanted to make someone bang their head as hard as they can when nobody is around the way I did to At The Drive In or The Refused. I started playing music because of the art of it. I was 17 when I went on my first tour. I didn't need any money, monitors, crew or anything. All I needed was a basement or club floor and a few dozen kids to stand in front of.
Fast forward seven years and so much has changed. Underoath have contracts, tour buses, agents and crews. I'm 24 and about to be married. I will have a wife and bills. I can't afford to tour and come home with nothing. I can't afford to jump off a speaker and break an arm. There's so much responsibility and business involved now, it's insane. I feel like my artistic and social vision for our band takes so many shapes now that it's hard for me to grasp what is real and what isn't. Our band employs more people now than ever even came to see us five years ago. This is mind blowing to me. I personally feel that musically I approach things almost identically as I used to, but now there's so much more that goes into the business to the point where the original vision and intent with which the music originally was created is blurred by the time it reaches the people.
At this point, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that the free spirited 17 year old mentality I was once driven by is gone forever. To bring that back wouldn't be 'keeping it real' or 'DIY', it would merely be irresponsible. Never in a thousand years did I think that what we made in our parent's living rooms would reach the people that it has. For that I'm grateful, but in turn I never prepared myself for the decisions that we now have to make, and for that I am terrified. I'm of for four months now. We're writing a new record. In this time I need to find myself amidst this circus of an industry and lifestyle and become a 24 year old man with responsibility who plays music for the love of it. Do I feel that being a VFW hall musician in a mainstream world is impossible? Yeah, sometimes I do, but there has to be a way to change things. What that is I don't know, but change is overdue and I embrace it.
Thoughtful entry, Tim. Now here's some thoughtful music to go with it:
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