Photos by Sarah Hamilton, Le Beast Photography
Awwwww, little white tourists in Shanghai. Wow! China is really neat.Look at all those pretty buildings! I thought it was going to be a pile of garbage. If you zoom into this picture you can peep at our brand new $2 Rolexes and my $3 Armani shirt I picked up at the “Rape Escape Shopping Center,” which was, like, six floors of 20 rows of two foot alleys of bootleg clothing, where, if you’re white, 15 Chinese people follow you around screaming in your ear and trying to take you by the hand to their store behind the building. Our video guy got attacked by a lady with no nose.
Oh, spicy food? Yeah, we eat that. “Hot pot?” Yeah, I’ll bet that’s real hot, Chinese guy. We live next to f–king Mexico. We’ve been to Thailand. Kung Pao Chicken at Panda Express. Heard of it? I can eat, like, five pieces at the same time. Del Scorcho Sauce. I can handle anything. Oh is there a feather on my tongue? Is there some lukewarm wa- uh-oh! Ha-ha. Ha. Uh… Haha. Yeah, this is kind of olllllll nuhhhh nuh nuhhhhh pffffpfptptpptpfp AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Bikes come in many forms in China. And some people just ride wheelchairs.
We’re on a dock floating in the Yangtze River in Wuhan (population six million) waiting for a ferry so we can cross the river. That’s the toilet. Under the toilet you can see the river. Also note the moldy s— threads hanging down.
And here is the dude swimming in the river a couple hundred feet downstream from the plumbing system in the last picture. Check out his buddies who made a day of watching their friend splash diarrhea on his face and armpits. Maybe they don’t even know him and this is just the most entertaining guy in China.
Show in Ning Bo. Four million people call Ning Bo their personal hell. That’s as big as L.A. Heard of it? Oh wait, you’ve been to Hawaii and Walmart, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I forgot. As you can see, we managed to draw .0015% of the population, a total failure. We played out of practice amps. Dudes showed up in suits with dates in evening gowns and ordered dinner at tables while watching us play. The moshing looked like the precursor to slam-dancing. I don’t think they even had invented video cameras yet to document that stage of the American scene.
We took a night train from Shanghai to Wuhan. We woke up naked and we were the last people on the train. Some Chinese were yelling at us to get off. We had all 1,000 pounds of our s— and had to carry it, like, a mile up these four story staircases, like, four times. Then, we took a long path through a bunch of Chinese people just standing on the side of it all day. The path ends. We see the main street. But at the end of the path is a 100 foot stretch of rubble. It literally looked like a bomb had gone off. And people were walking through the rubble. My rolly carry on luggage doesn’t roll through f–kng rubble.
Here’s a Dick Van Dyke walking through rubble (in China you see the same dude following you all day. For us it was this skinny Dick-Van-Dyke-in-”Mary-Poppins”-looking dude wearing a dirty encrusted skinny leg suit with the most disturbing vacant look in his eye) These dudes are literally one-third of the population of China and their job is to walk around smiling all day in their suit and get it dirtier by walking through rubble, when possible.
Oh s—, here’s something unexpected. People living in rubble. “Oh my f–k. God, I live here! Where is George Bush?” This chick’s life is probably even more bottom-of-the-barrel than pictured as the probability that she is sitting on a used diaper or a chicken foot or someone’s freeblow snot or a puddle of a child’s urine is nearly certain.
But seriously, even though china has some of the s—tiest things I’ve ever seen in my life, it was by far the most interesting place we went on the tour and I would go back in a second. Everything truly is different — not like Europe or Japan. You truly escape to a different place. It’s easy to talk s—, but at the same time it’s rad and definitely something a lot of people living in the bubble have to see. So, no hard feelings China. We love you.
baby merchant, tots r us
Most definetly…once you guys make it back to America you should definetly release a DVD of your alls adventures…that would most definetly be amazing…
fanny pack WAHHHH!not
Really, I just wanna know where you got that very cool fanny pack.
I’ve been searchin’ high and low for one as fine as that.
All I wanna know is where you got that very cool fanny pack.
You don’t know how long I’ve been lookin’ for one of those…
Hell yeah, that’s a hilarious and exciting blog you have there. I really hope you dudes come back and release a dvd of your ventures. Don’t forget your American pals, and come back to Nebraska soon.