Man, I hate the f---ing DMV. It is a bastion of bureaucracy designed to torture your mind and soul with inane procedures, obscenely long waits and cheerless workers devoid of any desire to assist or explain. It doesn't matter why you came to the DMV -- it could be a simple license renewal -- it always puts you instantly on the defensive, fearful that at any instant someone is going to impound your car.
This is my third time through the line today. The estimated waiting time on the ticket is a cruel joke. It says five minutes. Nothing in this building has ever taken five minutes. Even a bag of microwave popcorn takes an hour and a half in the break room. It is now 2:45. This death march through red tape hell began at 8:30 a.m. on this beautiful Monday.
Actually, it really began on Friday night after the At The Gates show in Worcester, Massachusetts at a rest stop on the Mass. Pike. The night had started without a hitch. It seemed like the perfect plan. Pick up my boy Mulls. Drive to Worcester to rage with Darkest Hour at the show and follow Chorbo out to his spot on Lake George for a weekend of blazing on the boat and chillin'. Everything began smoothly. I arrived in time to catch all the bands and get sufficiently hammered for At The Gates. I want to thank all the kind folks at the bar that bought the shots and the bottle of Jack in Darkest Hour's dressing room for helping me achieve that.
(quick side note: What a summer for metal reunions!!! At The Gates and Carcass playing shows again!!! There is no excuse for missing these shows. These bands helped to create the bedrock of the modern metal sound and are finally getting some due. F---k, yeah!).
Since I had been boozing all night, Mulls was driving my car. We had a three-hour drive so we hit the first rest stop on the Mass. Pike to stock up. When we headed back to my car and I went to open the passenger door, a state trooper rolled up and asked, “Whose car is this cuz it’s getting towed.” It turns out that my registration has been canceled due to unpaid violations. You know the Easy Pass or Fast Lane things that pay tolls right out of your bank account? Well, I have had one for a long-ass time. Apparently, it never went off once three years ago. Now my car is chained to a tow truck and I am being abandoned at a rest stop outside of Worcester at 3 a.m. Rad.
So, I dragged my sorry ass out of bed at 7:30 to head down to the DMV, pay these fines which should have never existed and get my car back from the lot where it has sat for two days. First of all, there is no reason to get to the DMV early. It will make no difference. Cancel all your plans because what ever you have to do, it’s gonna take all friggin' day.
There were two lone highlights of my day here. The first was when this brutally hungover dude with a "Cowboys From Hell" neck tattoo rolled in, sat next to me and said, "I’m fuckin hurtin' kid." He only lasted around eight minutes before the suffocating boredom and lack of air conditioning became too much for him. The second was when the fat guy in the row in front of me nodded out and then farted himself awake. That was only funny until it stank.
I don't know if I am going to make it. There are only so many games of Brickbreaker I can play on my Blackberry. At least the bottle of Jose Cuervo Black I have at home will help to wash these memories away. So let this be a lesson to you out there. Make sure your registration is up to date, pay those parking tickets and get that inspection sticker on time. The consequences for not doing so are just not worth it.
Wise words. And now you'd be wise to check out Shadows Fall's new video "Forevermore."
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