Most of us in the Red Fang camp have been watching "Headbangers Ball" since Riki Rachtman had hair. In the ate '80s, the show was a metalhead's only reason to live. Just saying the name brings back memories of betamax tapes with labels like “DON'T ERASE! WASP, SCORPS, MAIDEN...” Remember when Adam Curry used to host it? He would be chillin' with Tabitha Soren one minute talking about Wham or some s--t, then the next minute he would throw on some tight pants and talk about Megadeth -- as if the pants made him metal. I'm 99 percent sure that no self respecting rocker ever thought, "Well, I didn't think he was a real rocker, but he did have tight pants on..."
Okay, enough reminiscing, let's get down to business. The one complaint I consistently hear from other bands on the the road is how hard eating good can be. This is something I have never understood. During all the years I have been on the road with Red Fang, eating has never been a problem. Sure, if you're one of those people that likes fancy places where you get to hold the menu, you might have trouble, but a well seasoned crew such as the Fang laugh in the face of such hoity-toityness. Truck stops, gas stations, corner markets and even the occasional grocery store (if someone found some money on the ground or somethin') are chock full of all the fuel needed to keep this well lubricated machine on the road.
Over the last few weeks on the road I have been compiling the be all, end all, definitive guide to eating right on the road. What you are about to read could change your life... You're welcome.
Besides lunch and dinner, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so make it a good one. You can't go wrong with eggs and sausage:
Wash it down with a nice mug of gravy:
This should hold you over for an hour, maybe two, but remember what our drummer John Sherman always says. “You don't have to be hungry to eat.” Go ahead, snack, you're a growing boy/girl. Grab a three foot hunk of salty meat and start gnawin' like a coyote caught in a trap:
Now lunch time is coming up quick. My research has found that of all the foods on planet Earth nothing is better for you than the brown, shiny ones. Thankfully, there is what we refer to as “the beige buffet” at most major truck stops across America:
Look at it. You can see the vitamins oozing out. Amazing, truly amazing.
As far as the rest of the day is concerned, nothing should even be put near your face unless is contains parts of the pig usually reserved for occult rituals. Maybe start off at the house that Oscar M. built:
Then, before dinner, grab some cheese and crackers:
Check out that first ingredient. Ohhh yeaah, welcome to flavor country. ...And did you notice? That's right, 0% carbs, a little something I like to call a win-win situation.
The rest of the night is cruise control, do the same as you would at home: grab a forty of pickled bologna, a fork and just chill...
Maybe if you're feeling frisky, check out the fresh baked, low calorie stuff the dessert tray has to offer:
I don't know what all the complaining is about. This has been my diet for years and I feel great, except for the current tightness around my chest and pain shooting down my arm...
—Coyle
Tour To Live!
P.S. We're on tour with Early Man for the next month or so, check the dates here to find out if you could be the next winner of “Fang My House.” It's a thing that's sorta like "Pimp My Ride" but instead we sleep on your floor and drink all your beer. It's pretty awesome — for us.
Comments