In 1993 my band Prong released a record called Cleansing. It featured a song called "Snap Your Fingers ,Snap Your Neck". Who knew that 16 years later I would still be breaking my back doing Prong, and busting my ass, literally, on a weird diet called the "Master Cleanse."
You may have heard of this diet, fast, cleanse, whatever you want to call it. I heard about it years ago. I forget who I heard about it first from, but I do remember strippers talking about doing it. I guess they supplanted the fast when they couldn't find any meth. Anyway, it involves drinking a potion of fresh squeezed lemon juice mixed with grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper of all things. You drink this and only this, with an exception of a choice of laxatives and purified water, for a recommended minimum of days. There are different opinions on what this minimum is, some say 3 days, some say 10. Some do the cleanse for a month, which is really unbelievable. There are so many different opinions available online, and through word of mouth, about every facet of the cleanse. So I figured I'd add to the discussion. I figured it could be of interest from a rock musician's standpoint. One who has been around for over 20 years, experimented with every drug, drank with the best of them and has been addicted to nicotine on and off for 30 years. I've also had weight issues, been on fad diets before, and starved myself on purpose and incidentally, been awake for days at a time. I think some of this has actually helped in my success in conquering this cleanse. Yes, I have recently finished this affair.
There are some extraordinary claims as to the benefits of the cleanse. From major spiritual revelations, to adding sexual vitality. I've read some interesting proclamations relating the cleanse to Jesus' experiences in the desert ; the fast being related to all things enlightened. It's published that you'll be a better "partner" after the cleanse as well.
It's promised to be an amazing dieting system .Some claim to lose 25 pounds in 10 days. It kills fat. Some have lost 50, 60 pounds being on the cleanse for a month or so.
Much is said regarding how healthy the cleanse is. Apparently there is a major amount of mucus and bad fecal matter built up in one's system. This cleanse will rip all the bad stuff out of you and you'll be a new person. So one is prepared to be on the toilet and examine one's stool often. Supposedly, a lot of strange stuff is excreted . People say they've defecated things looking like aliens, others say long snakes, and I've read that others have let loose large crayon looking matter.
It's a cure for addicts too. From alcoholics to junk food abusers, you can be healed from doing the cleanse, it is reported. It's a cure for every kind of disease. Not just the one that Bill Wilson invented, but all of them. The cleanse is the "correction of all disorders".
And you will be happy doing it! You will not be hungry! You'll feel great! Just drink the potion and all hunger will subside. Amazing storage of energy will be unleashed. One is actually suggested by some to make sure all exercise in abundance while on the cleanse. You actually will want to. The lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper will give you all you need. It will pep you up. Don't drink too much though. Don't exceed the gallon and a half of lemonade maximum per day or the cleanse will lose its effect. The purified water you drink will fill in the gaps. You eventually will not look forward to drinking the lemonade and will simply enjoy the water, it is said.
Of course, one can't drink alcohol, nor even chew gum during the cleanse. One's cravings will subside, that's a fact. Nicotine in any form is not an option .Vitamin supplements are out of the question. Stan Burroughs, the master of the Master Cleanse, in his book published in the 1940's, says your cravings will change. You're not going to want what you used to want. So it is written : the chemical changes and the cleansing have a way of removing the craving and the many probably deficiencies. Thus the desire for the unnatural types of stimulants and depressants disappears. The usual cravings experienced and suffered in breaking away from drugs, alcohol, and tobacco no longer present themselves during and after this diet. It is truly a wonderful feeling to be free from slavery to these many habit-forming and devitalizing elements of modern living. Coffee, tea, and various cola drinks, as habit-forming beverages, also lose their appeal through the marvels of the lemonade diet.
I remember now. The strippers really heard about this deal originally from Beyonce on Oprah, like 6 years ago or something. That's where this came back into fashion. She said she lost something like 40 pounds on the Master Cleanse. She also said that unless you are preparing for a role in a movie she didn't recommend the cleanse as a dieting tool.
I have to agree with Beyonce.
Before I start my statements on the preceding claims let me say this. I started this cleanse because a friend of mine was bragging that he did it for 10 days and he looks great and he feels great and all the other stuff he read came to fruition. I felt challenged.
But ironically it was the perfect time for me to start this diet. I was in the process of having major dental work done. So I was restricted from solid foods and from drinking alcohol due to the antibiotics. I quit smoking two years ago but moved to smokeless tobacco but now was in the third week of cold turkey off the Skoal. So, now I could ease into the cleanse. I would lose some weight, get spiritual, reinforce the change in my habits, prove I'm capable of abstinence and be example of all the promises made by the Master Cleanse, it's founder and followers.
It's just too bad everyone is different. But I do agree with Beyonce. There are a lot easier ways to lose weight. Or may I say, better ways to lose weight. Like exercise, a lot, on a normal, regular diet.( You know the USDA or whatever recommended 3 meals a day lots of corn and wheat diet).Or just stay on the drinkers diet. Vodka martinis and steaks, no potatoes, nothing else. Or the trailer trash diet. Get some stuff they are snorting or smoking, pull apart your desktop, put it back together and stay up for a week, you'll cut some weight, diet. I lost about 11 pounds in 11 days on the Master Cleanse( I had to go one day more than my friend). Like most diets, as soon as you drink a few beers and have a slice of pizza, you're back to what you were before. The thing is with this diet, even when you are finished with the term, you have to ease yourself back on solid food. Day one and two after the fast, orange juice only. Let me tell you, I am a stickler for instructions, and usually do things by the book, but this didn't cut it for me. As far as the loss for cravings promise goes, that's non-applicable here. The first thing I wanted to do after starving myself for 11 days and being absolutely miserable was to get f-ing wasted. I wanted to celebrate the end of this masochistic experience. I was tired already of watching the Dodgers while having to drinking this lemonade. I've heard "Oh noooo!, you're gonna get sick it you don't slowly go back to regular food and start drinking booze and whatnot". Not true. I bought 40 dollars worth of high gravity Eastern European imported beer and drank a s--t load on day 12 (along with the orange juice). And I was fine.
There was nothing weird about my bowel movements during the cleanse. All the reports of extra terrestrial emissions were anticipated but unfounded. Yes, I was surprised at how much time I spent on the toilet considering the non existence of solid intake. But the fecal matter looked like fecal matter. There were no surprises.
My cravings didn't miraculously subside.40 years of conditioning is not going to be wiped away by 11 days of abstinence, I don't think anyway/Like I said. I wanted a drink most of the time during the cleanse. The tobacco thing I sort of kicked before I did the cleanse, but the cleanse almost made me want to get some chewing tobacco again. Something, anything to put in my mouth other than the damn lemonade and water.( I'm talking consumables here). I smelled coffee and I was completely enthralled with the scent, wanting a cup immediately. But one thing I did notice was that my cravings for food did change. Vegetables did become more appealing. The Carl's Junior commercials meant nothing to me. I wanted a stalk of celery or a dish of babaganoush. I may believe that we don't really need that much animal protein to survive. With all the starvation and lack of what we have been told in nutrients, I really had enough energy to be fine. Not a hell of a lot of strenuous activity could have been accomplished, but I was okay. I rehearsed with Prong and played guitar with in the studio for the new Danzig without pain. I did feel unclogged. I could breathe easier. But there wasn't an over abundance of energy.
The cleanse was definitely not beneficial to my sexual performance. But that's a tough job for even the best of late night or infomercial products. Over 40 is over 40.
I don't feel I'm any closer to God. But the spiritual advantages are more for you prove to yourself that you can do something like this. As overblown, goofy and trendy as it may be.
If anything in life that I've noticed about others is this; people exaggerate. They become fanatical. It keeps people interested and enthused about their own lives. You can't listen to them . You have to try it out yourself. to what is really true for you.
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