When you're a metal thrashin' madman, family gatherings can be a little awkward. Unearth guitarist Ken Susi seemed to have nipped that problem in the bud by breaking out his guitar and helping his sister's kid, Alison, record the stompin' video "I Want Candy." Take that, Laurie Berkner. Click "more" to watch

When you pose for publicity photos like tongue-in-cheek metal band Psychostick in the above shot, maybe sex, drugs and fame aren't really an option. But that seems to be just fine with guitarist Josh Key, who titles his HeadbangersBlog.com guest entry, "Screw the Sex, Drugs and Fame... We Tour for Food." Click "more" to read what the dude's got on his plate.

Among my life's accomplishments, I'd have to put "eating a lobster in Maine" near the top of that list. Having read that, I'm sure you're thinking, "Damn, that must have been a good lobster!"

It was damn good.

But there's more to this accomplishment than just the food. For me, there are numerous philosophical and spiritual layers to the significance of eating that Maine lobster:

1. I grew up in Texas. I never thought I'd actually ever go to Maine. The impossible became reality.
2. How many people will live their lives without having a Maine lobster? I am truly fortunate.
3. Because they live there, Maine people just call them simply "lobster."
4. According to quantum mechanics, did the lobster (or Maine) ever truly exist until I was there to observe it?
5. Mmmmm.... lobster.

For the rest of this blog, I'll focus on the concepts in #5 -- but first, the lobster story.

We were touring and had just crossed the Maine state line for the first time. I called my parents back in Texas to say, "Guess where I'm at right now?"

Upon hearing that I was in Maine, my Dad gave me an epic request. "Josh," he said in all seriousness. "You have to go eat a Maine lobster for me."

I can't imagine that I would feel any different if I was in a mythical medieval battle, and my father, having just been mortally wounded by a dragon, handed me his sword of five family generations and said, "My son, you must slay this dragon! For the good of the land!"

Not only did I fulfill this request, but it became abundantly clear to me that I was destined to use touring as a chance try to all kinds of food that I would not have had otherwise. In fact, I have given myself a personal mission: To find the greatest burger, pizza taco, burrito and salsa and the greatest local best-kept-secret hole-in-the-wall joints that kick your face in with tasty goodness.

Imagine the best of Kansas City barbecue squaring off with the best of Texas barbecue!; the best slice of New York pizza versus the best slice of Chicago-style pizza! Such earth-shaking battles shall be had for the ultimate prize of my thumbs-up approval. If you want to help me in this endeavor, post your absolute best restaurant recommendations on our MySpace page or our website

It's no secret that Psychostick love food. Our new CD is called Sandwich, for god sake. After making many rounds of the country and eating at many different places, we've kind of developed an unspoken system of "understood" places that we automatically go eat at if we are in that city or area. Here's the formula for that unspoken rule:

"When in/near ________, go eat at ________"

...and a few examples.

1. Chicago, IL - Lou Malnati's
2. Jacksonville, FL - Sorbello's
3. Odessa, TX - Garibaldy's
4. Laguna, NM - Laguna Burger
5. Kansas City - Smokehouse Barbecue
6. Dallas, TX - Freebird's
7. San Diego, CA - JV's Taco Shop

We also have certain restaurant chains that are also undisputed "We're going there" places. This is a more spontaneous rule than above. The formula is a variation on the previous, and it looks like this:

If we are hungry, and we pass a ________, we eat there.

1. Jimmy John's
2. Del Taco
3. Bob Evan's
4. Chipotle
5. Perkin's
6. Friendly's
7. Any Mongolian Barbecue

I should mention though, that there was a time when we came across a Jimmy John's and a Chipotle right next to each other. Loyalties were torn, wills were tested... it was pretty ugly. In the end, some of us went to one, some of us went to the other. Of course, in all reality, a Jimmy John's and a Chipotle right next to each other is really a "good problem." It's kind of like having to choose between $10,000 or a blowj-- from every waitress in a Hooters. You win either way.

Finally, I wanted to throw in that we unexpectedly got free food one time for talking about a restaurant called Garibaldy's in an interview for a local magazine in Odessa, Texas. We went in to eat at that Garibaldy's, and the manager showed us the article and said, "Order whatever you want!" It was a beautiful day.

That's why I was sure to plug plenty of places here in this blog in hopes that we have a repeat of that incident. Let it be known that if you happen to manage or own an awesome restaurant, we'd be more than happy to sample a free meal to give you our incredibly valuable opinion. And if you can't do that, then go to our show and buy a shirt so we can afford to eat more delicious food.

The band consists of vocalist and guitarist Lord Phallus (a.k.a. Crow), guitarist Bane Ass-Pounder, bassist King Sith, drummer Braindeath and keyboardist Loki Sinjuggler who write songs with titles like "Beneath the Valley of the Island of Misfit Toys" and "Kegrath the Dragon Killer." And Goblin Cock take the stage in hooded Grim Reaper outfits so their faces are always covered. In addition, their videos are filled with fantasy imagery, psychedelic swirls and other metal cliches. Yet, despite the overwhelming evidence that Goblin Cock are just a bunch of indie twits making fun of metal, in reality they're not laughing at metal at all, they're laughing with it. Their songs are doomy and melodic, with riffs as sludgy and delicious as chocolate fudge, and they clearly have great fondness for bands like Black Sabbath, Blue Cheer, Pentagram, St. Vitus, Cathedral and Kyuss. If that's not proof enough that these guys mean business, the first line on their MySpace page reads, "GOBLIN COCK IS NOT A JOKE BAND, GODDAMMIT!!!"

Of course, their MySpace also features a bio that includes copy that could have come from a GWAR tour program:

"Goblin Cock is a band from beyond time, beyond space, beyond your naive concept of dimension in METAL. Since before your pathetic "god" had supposedly "created" you and your kind, Lord Phallus was hunkered in a cybertimeship/fun dungeon skating the layers of what was considered "true metal" in all societies and in all generations. Eventually His Majesty realized that he really didn't care and launched a full-scale war against bland metal with and emphasis on ACTUALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME!"

Discounting all the "beyond time," "cybertimeshihp" and "true metal" crap, in the final analysis the last five words say it all; Unlike many doom bands, Goblin Cock are "actually having a good time" with metal. For proof, check out these studio videos of "We've Got a Bleeder" from the recently released Come With me if you Want to Live and "Stumped" from 2005's Bagged and Boarded and a live clip of "Loch" from the new disc.

"We've Got a Bleeder"

"Stumped"

Goblin Cock - Loch

Unless you're buying them from the dudes who swarm the parking lot after concerts, metal t-shirts are pretty durable. We've still got a Corrosion of Conformity sweatshirt from 1991 and Napalm Death and Entombed shirts from 1993, and each looks good as new despite countless washings with multicolored clothing. But we were amused when we saw this post by BoingBoing.net called "How to Launder Precious Heavy Metal T-Shirts," and if you've been less fortunate than us with your heavy metal delicates, maybe their tips will do you well. Click more to read to article.

How to Launder Precious Heavy Metal T-Shirts

Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan has posted footage on his MySpace of a staged press conference about the first schedule concerts by his side project Puscifer. The shows themselves will take place February 13 to 15 in Las Vegas at the Pearl concert theater at the Palms Casino.

The humorous clip was filmed in black and white by Mike King of Flea Circus Films and depicts Keenan as a military general answering inane questions by clueless journalists, two of which mispronounce the band's name. A third is more interested in finding out information about Tool and A Perfect Circle than he is in learning anything about Puscifer.

Laura Milligan, Paul Greenberg, Jackie Harris, Paul Koslowski, Mark Fight and Ron Lynch co-star in the video, which Keenan describes as "sort of a Dr. Strangelove spoof." Click more to watch.

New Puscifer in Vegas Promo

Say you've got dreams of heavy metal stardom but you're stuck in Singapore, floating in limbo like Scarlett Johansson's character Charlotte from the Sofia Coppola film "Lost in Translation." Okay, she was in Japan, but you get the idea. You wanna break through and be heard by millions, but there seems to be no way to burst out of the local, insular scene -- or is there?

Michael Kalember, a multi-instrumentalist and metal head with a degree from the Berklee School of Music, moved to Singapore in 1991 with a woman who's now his ex-wife, and has jammed with numerous musicians, taught music and written jingles for TV and radio commercials. And now, thanks to pop star Rihanna and the power of the Internet, hundreds of thousands of people -- if not more -- are hearing him play.

Kalember's heavy metal cover of Rihanna's insidious "Umbrella," which he calls "Umbahhrella" to spoof the way Rihanna sings, was recorded with the virtually unknown band Midnyte. The song begins with a torrential thunderstorm and quickly blasts into a chugging metal riff that sounds like a cross between Judas Priest and Dokken. The vocals throughout resonate with the vibrato of Rob Halford and the grunts and growls of Metallica's James Hetfield and the chorus is appropriately poppy in the vein of, say, In This Moment. Then there's a blazing guitar solo, which demonstrates that there's more to Kalember than a sense of humor.

In addition to his work with Midnyte, Kalember recently produced an album by Absence of the Sacred and played bass on all of the tracks. Under the name Mixal (DaMix) he has also written the pop metal parody "Anxiety Sucking Out my Brain," a song about psychotic road rage that mixes a poppy Priest verse with a chorus that could have come from a Broadway show tune.

Umbrella (metal cover) - Michael Kalember Feat midnyte

Here's a link to Kalember's other work.

And if you've been living in a cave like Gaahl or just harbor a secret love for poppy, hip-hop check out Rihanna's "Umbrella."

Here it is, the "Runnin With the Devil" Guide Vocal Transcription Sound Game

To celebrate the announcement of this year's Bloodstock Festival, which takes place in Derby, England October 14 to 16, Britain's Metal Hammer magazine have posted interview snippets on their Web site in which they ask numerous musicians, "What's the worst thing you've ever stolen" and "What's the worst lie you've ever told."

Almost as interesting as the answers themselves are the numerous names of the bands interviewed that seem to be huge in England but remain unknown in the U.S. For example, how many of you out there know who Ted Maul, The Defiled, Firebrand Super Rock (hot blond chick, though, and love that Scottish accent), Devil's Gift and Praying Mantis and Alestorm (ugly dude, nice band name) are?

Fortunately, Metal Hammer also got some good soundbites from members of Opeth, Akercocke, Soulfly, Overkill, Dimmu Borgir, Evile, Soilwork, As I Lay Dying and Napalm Death. Click "more" to roll tape.
What's the worst lie you've ever told?
What's the worst thing you've ever stolen?

MetalSucks.net have posted a pretty cool flow chart from comcsvsaudience.net that illustrates how there's about seven degrees of separation between metal bands and how a blueprint of the grand design resembles a giant pentagram. Click "more." to be illuminated.

Heavy Metal Band Names Flow Chart

Here are a couple metal-themed Christmas videos that are almost as entertaining as the above ...And Justice For All-era photo of Metallica dressed up as Santa's elves.

The first clip's a pretty funny cartoon and the second one's a stop-action thing that's kind of cool, but sort of cute. If cute's not your thing then skip the video and take another look at Shawn Crahan's photo of a dead deer. Click "more" to watch.